Hello, Halo

I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams lately. And, weirder, I’ve been remembering all of them. One the other day that involved zombies and my co-worker Brian. One that involved, literally, 100 people in drive-thru at work and ALL of my co-workers I have ever hated. Several about Aunt Nita, and whether or not the dream has been about her, my Grandma has been in every single dream over the past two weeks and every couple days before that for about a month.

The funniest thus far…

I was at Grandma and Grandpa’s house cleaning and getting ready for a party. Caleb and Diego showed up along with Danielle, Jake, Tk, Reed and a couple other people from Ames.. oh, and Lord Voldemort. There was a giant hill in the front, towards where the ditch is. It had tons of bunk beds on top. Lord Voldemort was getting angry with us for not paying him enough attention, so he started tearing up the lawn with his giant truck. Some of you have been to Grandpa’s house, so you know how huge his property is, so this was quite a feat. He drove to Brownie’s house and slammed into the side of the house. We were getting irritated and went inside. I was introducing everyone to Grandma and Grandpa. “Grandpa, this is Diego, and Caleb.. Guys, this is my Grandma, but she died a while ago, so I don’t know why she’s here.” then Grandma slapped me for being rude.

Oh, and Diego and Caleb were riding a two-person bike.. except it was motorcycle. There’s an image you won’t be able to get out of your head for awhile…

It’s been kind of weird seeing Grandma so often recently. The first time was really nice, actually. I haven’t dreamed about Grandma since right after the funeral. In the first dream in this particular series, it was as though nothing had really happened in the past several years. Sure, everyone was growing and the family was expanding, but there was no, for lack of a better word, trajedy. Aunt Nita was still there, and not even trembling like she usually did, Lorri was there, and completely healthy, my parents were together, Grandpa wasn’t sick, Uncle Mel and Aunt Mary were even there… it must have been a holiday.. Easter, maybe, because it was pretty nice outside. We were carrying food out to the barn. Grandma pulled me aside to hug me and tell me she’s missed me since I left for college, and that she’s really proud of me. In the dream I could tell there was something not quite right about the situation. I even asked Nita if she knew what was going on or what was different. I told her I had a dream that she passed away and that I was really upset about it.

I can’t believe the details that I remember. I usually remember bits of my dreams, but this one was so real. I woke up and started crying, because I had to re-adjust to everything. I briefly re-mourned Grandma and Nita, and had to remember that things weren’t like that anymore.

I told Danielle today about how often I’ve been dreaming about Grandma. She told me it just sounds like I really miss her. I laughed it off. It’s been so long, I should be over it by now, shouldn’t I? But there’s so much change going on right now, and there’s so much I wish she could’ve seen. I wish she would’ve seen me graduate high school, leave for college, accomplish what I’ve accomplished.. I wish she could see me get married, and see her great-grandkids. It’s mostly selfish, I guess. I told someone last year that Grandpa had to hang on a few more years so he can come to my college graduation and see me get married. They told me that it was selfish, and when someone is ready to go, we should let them. But I can’t help but wish.

I was telling someone at work about how sick Grandpa is and how worried I am. They kind of brushed me off like, “oh, well. Grandparent’s die. We move on.” but it’s always felt different with my Grandparents. I don’t know, maybe it’s not. But I feel like if Grandpa passed away, or if someone else gets sick, or any sicker, I might fall apart. I’ve decided to come home for a lot of the summer due to this. I explained this to my boss, and he totally understood. He was only concerned with my getting enough time with my family.

I don’t know if it’s just that it’s dead-week at school and I’m just tired or stressed or whatever, but I’m just waiting for someone to pull the rug from under my feet.

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