Hello, Halo

Been neglecting my blog lately… Here’s a quick list of things.. goings on and the like:

1. H1N1 at Iowa State!

2. Possible promotion!

3. Hanson is said to be touring again at the end of July

4. Tomorrow I’m changing my major

5. Andy Milonakis is a total douche

6. Not looking forward to school ever starting. Ever again.

7. I’m beginning to wonder if ANYONE is capable of choose to date someone who is not abusive and/or retarded

8. Tomorrow, I will hopefully be rid of my advisor FOREVER!

9. Can’t wait for Viscilla!

10. I want to go on a roller coaster real bad.

11. I need to find a more appropriate use for this blog. And my Twitter.

12. I’m peeling and it’s gross.

13. I either have the worst allergies ever, or a shitty cold.

14. Had a lovely girls night with.. well.. the girls.

15. I really need to clean this fucking room.

The semester is over! I took my last final today and am free for the summer. All that’s left to do is get my major switched and re-evaluate my schedule for next year.

I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams lately. And, weirder, I’ve been remembering all of them. One the other day that involved zombies and my co-worker Brian. One that involved, literally, 100 people in drive-thru at work and ALL of my co-workers I have ever hated. Several about Aunt Nita, and whether or not the dream has been about her, my Grandma has been in every single dream over the past two weeks and every couple days before that for about a month.

The funniest thus far…

I was at Grandma and Grandpa’s house cleaning and getting ready for a party. Caleb and Diego showed up along with Danielle, Jake, Tk, Reed and a couple other people from Ames.. oh, and Lord Voldemort. There was a giant hill in the front, towards where the ditch is. It had tons of bunk beds on top. Lord Voldemort was getting angry with us for not paying him enough attention, so he started tearing up the lawn with his giant truck. Some of you have been to Grandpa’s house, so you know how huge his property is, so this was quite a feat. He drove to Brownie’s house and slammed into the side of the house. We were getting irritated and went inside. I was introducing everyone to Grandma and Grandpa. “Grandpa, this is Diego, and Caleb.. Guys, this is my Grandma, but she died a while ago, so I don’t know why she’s here.” then Grandma slapped me for being rude.

Oh, and Diego and Caleb were riding a two-person bike.. except it was motorcycle. There’s an image you won’t be able to get out of your head for awhile…

It’s been kind of weird seeing Grandma so often recently. The first time was really nice, actually. I haven’t dreamed about Grandma since right after the funeral. In the first dream in this particular series, it was as though nothing had really happened in the past several years. Sure, everyone was growing and the family was expanding, but there was no, for lack of a better word, trajedy. Aunt Nita was still there, and not even trembling like she usually did, Lorri was there, and completely healthy, my parents were together, Grandpa wasn’t sick, Uncle Mel and Aunt Mary were even there… it must have been a holiday.. Easter, maybe, because it was pretty nice outside. We were carrying food out to the barn. Grandma pulled me aside to hug me and tell me she’s missed me since I left for college, and that she’s really proud of me. In the dream I could tell there was something not quite right about the situation. I even asked Nita if she knew what was going on or what was different. I told her I had a dream that she passed away and that I was really upset about it.

I can’t believe the details that I remember. I usually remember bits of my dreams, but this one was so real. I woke up and started crying, because I had to re-adjust to everything. I briefly re-mourned Grandma and Nita, and had to remember that things weren’t like that anymore.

I told Danielle today about how often I’ve been dreaming about Grandma. She told me it just sounds like I really miss her. I laughed it off. It’s been so long, I should be over it by now, shouldn’t I? But there’s so much change going on right now, and there’s so much I wish she could’ve seen. I wish she would’ve seen me graduate high school, leave for college, accomplish what I’ve accomplished.. I wish she could see me get married, and see her great-grandkids. It’s mostly selfish, I guess. I told someone last year that Grandpa had to hang on a few more years so he can come to my college graduation and see me get married. They told me that it was selfish, and when someone is ready to go, we should let them. But I can’t help but wish.

I was telling someone at work about how sick Grandpa is and how worried I am. They kind of brushed me off like, “oh, well. Grandparent’s die. We move on.” but it’s always felt different with my Grandparents. I don’t know, maybe it’s not. But I feel like if Grandpa passed away, or if someone else gets sick, or any sicker, I might fall apart. I’ve decided to come home for a lot of the summer due to this. I explained this to my boss, and he totally understood. He was only concerned with my getting enough time with my family.

I don’t know if it’s just that it’s dead-week at school and I’m just tired or stressed or whatever, but I’m just waiting for someone to pull the rug from under my feet.

Anybody else’s life not turning out how they’d planned? If you would have asked me when I was a freshman in highschool where I would be when I was 21, I would never had thought this. Not even a little.

I was sure that I would go to Columbia or Luther. I figured I would have been finishing up my degree in either photography or music education, with a minor in either English or women’s studies. Maybe I had a boyfriend I was living with, and I probably wasn’t in contact with any of my high school friends. I would probably be working part-time in a mall retail job, or maybe even full time. I would be wildly successful in my concentration in school and know exactly where I was headed by now. I might even be scoping out internships in a big city… New York, Chicago, San Fransisco…

Nope.. that’s not it at all. In fact, I flunked out my first semester of college at St. Ambrose, so I had to start over. Sure, got in to Columbia, but could I afford it? Hell no. So where did I end up? Iowa State University, somewhere I had never even thought about until last summer.

So, here I am. About to turn 21. And where am I? I’m in Iowa. Ames, Iowa to be exact. I study anthropology. Up until this last semester, I was absolutely positive I wanted to be an english major. I love to write and I love to read, but I just do not like english classes. I am loving my anthropology classes, though. I’ve changed my major to that, and I’m afraid that I won’t know what to do with it when I’m done, but for now, it’s ok.

My friends aren’t the people I had expected to make or expected to keep. I live with 3 guys I met on Craig’s List, and one of their girlfriends practically lives here. I don’t particularly like two of them, but I absolutely adore Brandon and Carrie. Tk is still my best friend. I’ve lost some good friends, cut loose some bad friends, and made some new friends. Actually, I’m a little surprised with the friends I made. Danielle and I used to be frenemies, and I now I tend to see her as a really close friend. And Jake? I never would have guessed in high school that we would end up as friends. He’s such a good guy and we have so much fun.

I don’t have a boyfriend, but in the past few years, my taste in boys has definitely changed. The guys I’m interested in now are surprising me (along with some friends!). it’s not all about me, anymore. I’m looking for someone who my friends and family will not just tolerate, but love. And I always thought I would want to live with a guy immediately. It turns out, I do want to live with a guy, but not the one I’m dating. I think it’s really important to have boundries before you get married. Otherwise, what is different exactly, when the day comes? Your name changes? I think you need a little more adjusting before you move in with someone. And who knows, maybe my thoughts will change, but maybe not.

I’m not living in a big city. Actually, I think I might move back to the Quad Cities when all is said and done. I go back home fairly often, and I never tire of it. I love it there. But, I love the Des Moines area, too. I’m learning that family is a lot more important that I thought. I kind of regret not being closer with my brothers, but I hope that changes in the upcoming years. I hope to becoming closer with my sister in law, and not think of her as a sister in law, but a sister. I love my neices and miss them so much when they’re not around. I miss my parents so much, and my Grandpa and cousin. I want to be within driving distance from my family, so right now, places like New York and San Fransisco don’t seem to be in the cards.

I’m excited for what’s coming. In the past few weeks I’ve taken some risks. Hashed out conflicts with friends, tried to be more independent, and even told a guy how I feel about him. I was so afraid that something bad would happen that I put it off for so long. After taking these risks though, I was so glad. I know things aren’t always going to turn out as good as they did, but the waiting felt worse than anything else could have.

While I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be, I’m happy.

Hello, friends. Guess who’s 21st birthday is coming up? Oh, that’s me! I’ve decided what someone should get me. There is another pair on my wishlist page, but I loooooove these. MUST have them.

Size 10 please! Available at TOMSSHOES.com

:]

I am having a lovely spring break. We got in Saturday night, with enough time to fall asleep. I spent the day Sunday with Lynn and Sammy, eating and shopping for stuff for Sammy’s new apartment (because she’s spoiled and tricked Lynn into buying tons of crap for her!). We ended our lovely day with dinner with the fam sans Joel, because he wanted me to punch him in the face.

Monday could’ve been better, as I spent most of the day with my family for a funeral. I miss Nita a lot, but she was really old, and I think she was ready to go. The service was really nice and came complete with her noodle recipe in the program. Pastor Mary is such a sweet woman and did a really good job delivering the service.

Last night I had an absolutely wonderful time, which will hopefully be duplicated before I’m forced to head back to Lames. If not, I’ll be back in a month for some serious boozin’.

Just a short entry, I’m still on spring break.. I’ll let you know how the rest of it pans out.

I would like a new band to listen to and a new book to read. Thoughts?

I’m sure you all recall my last post. It said that you should all give me 6 months drama-free. No illnesses. No death. Nothing. But you just couldn’t abide by that, could you?

Seriously. No more. Ok? OK?! No one else.

I’m sure everything is going to be just fine, for now anyway, but that doesn’t keep me from worrying.

Dear friends and family,

In the next 6 months, if ANYBODY dies, gets sick, gets in an accident, or has a major surgery, it had better be me. Because I can’t handle it anymore.

Kthanks.

Love,
Hannah

——————–

Growing up, there were some adults I was really close to. My Grandparents (obviously), my mom’s best friend and my namesake, Lorri, and my great aunt Nita. When I lost my Grandma to lung cancer several years ago, I was devastated. I took it really hard. Visits haven’t been the same, holidays haven’t been the same, and birthdays certainly haven’t been the same. I miss her. A lot. I know it’s probably no use, because she’s gone. But it still hurts my feelings sometimes when I think about how she wasn’t at my high school graduation, she didn’t see me turn 18, she won’t see me turn 21, get married, graduate from college.. My Grandpa has been really sick. I’m told that he’s been sick my whole life, I just wasn’t really aware of it. He had some stints put in his heart this summer, he’s on a lot of medication, and he’s got cancer, among other things that come with old age. My mom’s best friend, who has always been more family than anything, was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago. When I was told this, I didn’t react. I assumed it would go away, so to speak.  I wasn’t willing to deal with it. Then, I was told she was getting better, so when I reacted, it was more like a “Duh, of course she is” kind of thing. Then, I was told she was getting sick again. I remember that day pretty vividly. I cried most of the day, and when I went to work, I faked a smile, made a joke, and pretended everything was fine. That night, I cried more. I know it wasn’t really fair. I wasn’t the one going through it after all, but you guys have to understand what she means to me. At that point, I had only dealt with my Grandma’s cancer, but the circumstances were totally different. So, Lorri, if you read this, which I think, you do, I want you to know how much you mean to me. I love you so much.

My Aunt Nita passed away this week. I took it a lot harder than I had anticipated. She was extremely elderly and in pain, so at first, I was just relieved and happy for her. She had to be put in a nursing home a few months ago, and was really mad about it. She wasn’t happy anymore.

Mom and I used to go down every Saturday to visit her. The day usually consisted of Mom and I leaving around 8, stopping for gas at Mother Hubbards and listening to the Worst of Dwyer and Michaels. We’d get to Muscatine a little after 9 and hang out for awhile. Sometimes we’d take her shopping, sometimes we’d just hang out. As school progressed, I stopped going as often. I feel guilty about it now. I know that’s absurd. She knew I loved her. She had to, right? She had to know that she was my FAVORITE old woman. She was so stubborn and such a snot. Never afraid to speak her mind.

Mom called me to tell me, and my only thought was “Yeah. Ok.” But as soon as I hung up, I just started crying. I waited for Tk and Danielle to get back from Ankeny, went to their house and cried some more. I feel better about it now.

I handled it a lot different than I had anticipated. I think part of it is that it has been a stressful year, as far as family goes. Like I said, Grandpa and Lorri are both sick, two  of the most important adults in my life. Deb passed away a few months ago, Matt’s car accident…

I didn’t feel like I could take it anymore. I should’ve known it was coming. She was in hospice. AND she had sent dad the recipe for her homemade noodles.

I feel better about it now. I love her, and it’s not like I wanted her to be in pain. I just know I’ll miss her and her smartass remarks about EVERYTHING.

But really. Give me the next 6 months drama-free, ok?

Not too terribly much to blog about. School is good, and I’m considering a double major more and more as the days go. Work is good. I got a raise last month and I’m pretty close to getting a promotion. Living is good. Brandon and Carrie are all gross and in love, and Bailey didn’t feel good the other day. She expressed that by shitting in my bedroom. But, she’s a dog, so I can’t really fault her. Apparently Travis had pnemonia last week, but he was sweet enough to stay at Libby’s and infect her instead of me. So aside from the headaches and the bug that Dannie, Tk and I seem to pass back and forth, things are pretty good.

Living arrangements for next year are getting figured out.. slowly but surely. Dannie and I drove around and looked at a few places yesterday. I believe we (Tk, Dannie and I) are going on a tour of two places on friday. Hopefully that goes well. Truly, I just want to find somewhere I’m going to be comfortable for the next few years. I’m tired of moving and I just want to be settled. I like it here, really, I do. But I feel like I’m living in a hotel. I haven’t even unpacked. And at this point, why should I? Just so I can pack up again in June? I HATE packing. But I hate feeling like I’m living out of boxes… or in this case, bags. Last time I moved I used garbage bags. So, while I’m adjusting to Ames, I know I’m not as comfortable as I could be. There are certain furniture-things that I need (and want) to feel more at home. I want to feel like I can decorate.. put pictures up, set knick-knacks out.. you know, those kinds of things.

Last night I was talking with Dannie and I came to a horrible realization.. for the second time. When I moved out of my dad’s house in August, I moved out. He changed my bedroom into a guest bedroom. It’s no longer my home. When I go back to Davenport for breaks and weekends, I’m a guest. That is such a strange feeling. And I’m sure that if I went to my dad and told him I wanted to move home again for awhile, it would be different. But right now I feel like I’m in this weird limbo. It’s kind of weird. I feel like I’m a still a kid in so many ways, but I’m not. I’m trying to be financially responsible. I’m trying to stay on top of my school work. I’m trying to take care of myself. By no means am I saying that I’m 100% self-sufficient. If you knew me last year, or even in the past 6 months, you know that I’m very emotional. I try not to talk about my feelings very often.. I don’t really like to feel vulnerable. Duh. Who does? But I would carry around all these feelings until they pretty much exploded out of me, causing me to feel vulnerable, out of control and physically ill. My stomach is so attatched to my emotions. But now, I’m trying not to hide. If I’m feeling depressed or pissed off or upset, I try to just address it and move it. Sure, I feel vulnerable for a bit, but it passes and I feel better. Taking care of myself emotionally has helped me to take care of myself physically, too. When you’re depressed you don’t want to move. You don’t want to eat properly. You don’t want to intereact with people. I’ve started cooking for myself (granted, it’s not the most healthy food, but it’s better than frozen pizza and oreos), I take walks, I make friends… some friends I never expected to make (but I’m so glad I did!).

So, it’s been a weird year for me. Growing up bit by bit, knowing that I can go back to my dad’s house if I need to, but I shouldn’t look at it as my home anymore. Knowing that my parents are always there to support me, but that I’m able to handle some things on my own.